Espionage Enterprises

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Warning! Rant ahead.

Let me first start by saying I have nothing specifically against disabled people of any kind. My concern comes in with the Handicapped Tags for cars and parking lots. In my humble opinion these would be best suited for a disabled person who has someone driving them around and not actually themselves being the driver. I have had a theory for years that if there is a disability that I need to be aware of as a fellow driver it stands to reason that maybe that person should not be driving. I mean, if it’s important enough to have it all over the car… Maybe the driver who is not physically or mentally impaired to the degree that it’s important for nearby cars to know about it could park close to the front of the store, etc and everyone’s happy.

So far, even this is not really much for me to be upset about. What I AM upset about is the fact that over the 15+ years that I have been driving I have noticed a disproportionately large percentage of drivers that PISS ME OFF that also happened to have the blue tag on their rear view mirrors. And believe me, I examined them to make certain it wasn’t some random other type of tag.

Example: Today as I drove to work two *separate* drivers at two different parts of the highway were driving SLOWER THAN ANY OTHER DRIVER AND DOING SO IN THE FAR LEFT LANE. Do they not see the long snakelike trail of cars going around them? Maybe they’re blind and that’s the disability in question. That’s why there is Braille on the drive up ATM keypads!? By the way, I used to tell people my theory about that, too. No one (except me) thought it was funny.

To all of you shitty drivers out there: In the words of the great Dr. Dre, “Y’all gonna are gonna keep fuckin’ around with me and turn me back to the old me!”

-Kevin

P.S. Hug anyone, by the end of the day, who once threw a pizza party for you.

You totally need to go to this site.  Now with less anal leakage!

 I swear to fucking christ.

I’ve had a problem with my internet connection since october or november of 2008. Anytime that i’m downloading a bunch of shit, and maxing out the connection, it drops.

I do IT, I swear I’m not a fucktard. This has happened at both apartments, with different modems, AND different routers.

I get up the frustration to complain every month or two, and it goes like this. [Actual chat session from tonight]

Robert DSouza> Mathew, I understand that you are having Intermittent connectivity issue. Am I correct?

Matt> Correct Tied directly to usage. Internet connection will not drop if connection is not heavily used

Robert DSouza> Do you have a router hooked up between your computer and the modem?

Matt> Yes

Robert DSouza> When did this problem begin? Has it ever worked? If so, what changed?

Matt> This problem began around october or nov of 2008. No changes.

Robert DSouza> How many computers do you have in your Network?

Matt> 6

Robert DSouza> Are all the computers in your Network Wired OR Wireless?

Matt> Mixed

Robert DSouza> Are all the computers in your Network experiencing same issue or is it the only one?

Matt> All

Robert DSouza> Have you received the Router from RR / TWC (OR) separately purchased it?

Matt> Seperately

Robert DSouza> Thank you.

Matt> Have tried two other routers, same problem

Robert DSouza> Kindly check physical connections between Cable Modem, Router and Computer.

Robert DSouza> Please check if they are securely connected to each other.

Matt> Check

Matt> When problem happens, I will check Cable Modem, online light will be off.

Robert DSouza> Do you have any security software installed on your computer?

Matt> NO

Robert DSouza> Okay.

Robert DSouza> How many computers are wirelessly connected?

Matt> 2, and iphone

Robert DSouza> You will need to reset the network.

Robert DSouza> Steps to reset the Network:

1. Power down the cable modem, any and all network equipment (router) and the computer. 2. Wait for 45 seconds before powering on the cable modem . Wait for the front lights on the modem to stabilize. 3. Once the front lights on the modem have stabilized, power up any network equipment (router) and then the computer.

Robert DSouza> If the issue still persists, you need to bypass the router and need to connect directly via modem.

Robert DSouza> If the above steps do not resolve the issue you will need to get back to us with the Ticket Number : RQST00065032084.

Matt> This has happened with belkin, linksys, and linksys with DD-wrt, and with 2 cable modems.

Robert DSouza> We will glad to assist you further.

Robert DSouza> I understand that.

Robert DSouza> However to isolate the issue you need to perform the above provided steps.

Seriously, can we come up with some kind of signal, so that I don’t have to hear the “turn it off – turn it back on” suggestion. I know this works for 99% of the fucktards and little old ladies you have to deal with, but jesus fucking christ if i didn’t just spend 40 minutes for you to tell me that.

Right now I’m supposed to be doing that shit.

I’ve been down this road, and I love the next step. Either they’ll tell me “a switch in your area is being repaired” or “we can’t see any problems”.

And the whole “check if your cables are securely connected”…motherfucker, would i be chatting with you if my computer was unplugged, you asshat

I feel like shitting my pants.

My xmas present to you. Click image for PDF.

Once, when I was in the 6th grade, some of my friends were over. We were in the backyard with my mom, (she was out there with us, I didn’t keep her out there) and I wanted to go somewhere and do something but she wanted me to pick up dog poop first. I don’t like dog poop, so I’d get the large paper bags that come from the grocery store and the biggest fucking shovel I could find in the garage. I’d scoop that poopoo up and dump it in that big ol’ bag. When my mom was looking the other direction tending to her own poop, (the doggy poo she was tending to, not actually HER poo) I’d take that shovel and launch some of the poopy over the wooden fence. Not sure if it ever hit anyone or their car, I just did it to get a chuckle out of my little 12 year old friends. Anyway, I was very haphazardly aiming the fecal projectiles and one of them apparently went straight up and came back down and pelted me in my goddamn head. They really laughed then.

welcome back, old friend….how we’ve missed you

1988
—–
Beetlejuice
Corey Feldman
Corey Haim
Count Duckula
Eazy-E
Eddie Murphy
Neneh Cherry
Roger Rabbit
The California Raisins
Weird Al Yankovic

1998
—–
El Niño
Jenny McCarthy
Jerry Seinfeld
Maynard
Monica Lewinsky
Patricia Arquette
Phil Hartman
Stephen Hawking
Steve Buscemi
Tori Amos

2008
—–
Bill Clinton
Good Old Blevins
Johnny Depp
Jon Stewart
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Megan Mullally
Patricia Arquette
Scarlett Johansson
Steve Carrell
Tinky Winky