Espionage Enterprises

1. Are you an armchair porno actor?
2. Are you aware that Sea World has roller coasters and swimming available? Tacos
3. Are you offended by coconuts?
4. Are you not “well” in the head?
5. Are you officially considered a midget?
6. Are you prepared for a zombie invasion?
7. Are you sitting in a broken chair?
8. Can I come over and we can go cruise the Valley View Mall?
9. Can I take a picture of my dick at your mom’s house so no one recognizes the location?
10. Can you drop me off near there I live right near there my roommate just dropped me off?
11. Can you get your hands on some rubber gloves?
12. Can you peel any of my skin off – as a service?
13. Did anyone in your family ever perform puppet show presentations of the holocaust?
14. Did you get freaky with a door hinge at lunch?
15. Did you know Schizophrenia is not, as popular opinion holds, multiple personalities?
16. Did you think I was going to have some genuine reason to tell you to stop eating corn?
17. Do you approve of guys who touch unsuspecting and unwilling girls in public and don’t stop?
18. Do you dare me to have corn for lunch?
19. Do you enjoy performing autopsies on packets of cream-cheese?
20. Do you ever eat honey off a girl’s tits?
21. Do you ever think about your orthodontist?
22. Do you feel like they’re playing a massive joke on society?
23. Do you frequently drive to work?
24. Do you hate eagles?
25. Do you have any “he-she”s you’re not using right now?
26. Do you just visit your desk long enough to dust?
27. Do you know more about Star Trek than anyone you know?
28. Do you know where I can find a case of Crystal Pepsi?
29. Do you like cheers? Or chants?
30. Do you like it when I figure skate?
31. Do you miss Fen-phen jokes? Why can’t it be 1997 again?
32. Do you own crocs and/or acknowledge crocs are valid footwear?
33. Do you ride a crotch rocket?
34. Do you still like tits?
35. Do you think $56 for 144 AA Duracells is a deal?
36. Do you think that if I had been born with Down Syndrome, I would have had more threesomes in my life?
37. Do you think that you have magical powers?
38. Do you want to bring a random chick over here and watch me fuck her?
39. Do you want to call someone and pretend to be my lawyer?
40. Do you want to go to “the bar” w/ me tonight?
41. Do you want to picket Faces?
42. Do you wear flip flops in public more than once a month?
43. Does it cost $18,723,078 to live anywhere except Compton?
44. Does it make you angry that I have opposable thumbs?
45. Does it surprise you when one goonie fuck is friendly w/ another goonie-ass fuck?
46. Does the Jitterbug theme song only have one lyric?
47. Don’t you absolutely adore it when faggots suck each other’s cocks off?
48. Has anyone ever told you that you enjoy sex but fear intimacy?
49. Have you ever been frustrated in Alabama?
50. Have you ever dropped something and cannot find it so you deliberately drop something else to see if you can predict where it went?
51. Have you ever had “floppy infant syndrome”?
52. Have you ever peed into a grocery bag in your bedroom?
53. Have you ever petitioned your senator to enact a “Holocaust Was Hilarious” day
54. Have you ever seen a chick that was so hot you would voluntarily shit your pants on stage at the Grammys just to be able to see her naked?
55. Have you ever touched a high school junior innappropriately?
56. Have you ever worked with someone who made you want to drop a microwave on your own head until you were in a coma?
57. Have you seen the entire army of Jew-bots?
58. How did you first make flan? Was there any resistance?
59. How do you feel about bathrooms with cameras and no doors?
60. How do you think your probation officer would react if she learned you VOLUNTARILY associate with someone who routinely draws pictures of 17 yr old girls naked in the shower?
61. How many computers do you have in your network?
62. How much jizz do you own?
63. How much time, per day, do you spend drawing pictures of your balls?
64. How would you feel if I gave you a 40 oz bud ice and insisted that it was a season pass to six flags?
65. I like atoms?
66. If I cut off the hand will you install the hook?
67. If I made a chocolate pie with absolutely NO raisins would you sample it?
68. If I tied the bottom of my t-shirt together, wore daisy dukes, walked around calling everybody girl, and telling them that eating animal products is bullshit would you stop talking to me?
69. If peter, who is five is (6), has threeve banana! And hes little sister marco has eight (5) bananna!? Then how many does the not equal banana weigh if fallen out of? If one (3) Bananas equal threeve Bananas point four and six! And Five (2) Bananas equal six point nine not around?! Then my queston realy is that how does many not banana weigh if I threeve (9) falls out of and only is six not remains!
70. If there was a zombie apocalypse would you have sex with infected people?
71. If you could wish people to die with your mind – would you?
72. If you fart into a fan will it become a robot fart?
73. Imagine you’re in the Utah desert and you discover a new dinosaur for the 5th time in your life. What do you say?
74. Is it sad that I know all the words to “Achy Breaky Heart “?
75. Tell us, if I gave you a female, bound and gagged, as a celebratory gift should she be wearing casual nightwear or more formal/lacey nightwear?
76. Want to come over and watch movies or porn or play video games or board games?
77. What are you doing for your birthday – other than asbestos?
78. What did the computer virus say when it was looking for the goofy cartoon character?
79. What do you happen?
80. What do you have to say for all the ladies out there who think they’re too good for you?
81. What do you know about buying alkaline batteries in bulk?
82. What do you think when someone tells you they stopped drinking but then you see them with a drink?
83. What do you want on your tombstone?
84. What is a good holiday in the next 90 days to have a large pizza party celebration?
85. What message would you like to send to your redneck fans?
86. What Native American burial ground did you loot this time?
87. What’s for breakfast?
88. What’s taking you so long to build a wooden goat?
89. When you watch The Facts of Life do you make a fart noise every time the theme song says “The Facts of Life” ?
90. Who wants the island fighter’s piss and sweat?
91. Why are 99.999% of fetish people ugly?
92. Why should I stop eating corn?
93. Would it bother you if every time I sat down I had to ask someone in charge, or the head of household, whether a seat was “clean enough for *people* to sit on” ?
94. Would it confuse you if if they called every 4th Monday “Watermelon Felon” and played nothing but baseball highlights?
95. Would you appear in a music video for a song about shaving the baby Jesus’ pubes?
96. Would you be honored to have the opportunity and distinction of being the only man in history to shoot a load of jizz on the remains of Jesus Christ?
97. Would you be interested in Guantanamo Bay?
98. Would you be willing to visit a water park with Judge Judy?
99. Would you fuck a dead Jap in the throat for $40,000?
100. Would you gladly lay down on the ground and let Bill Gates pee on your bare ass for a million$$$?
101. Would you kill a baby if it was trying to saw your house down?
102. Would you like it if I did MySpace type “self” photos next to paused faces on TV and imitate their facial expressions?
103. Would you like me more if every time you came over I was watching “Larry the Cable Guy”?
104. Would you love nothing more than to wear a cowboy hat to office functions?
105. Would you pay for a Judge Judy tattoo for me?
106. Would you publicly admit that you enjoy Dane Cook’s comedy?
107. Would you say you play online role-playing computer games more than 1 hour a year?
108. Would you torch a dead body with me?

Never in my life have I been to – Europe, the ancestral home of my peoples.

I hate it when – Patricia Arquette doesn’t come to my birthday party.

If you’re going to talk smack about me – have a great time.

When I’m nervous – I try not to bite my nails.

The last song I listened to was – not sure.

If I were to get married today – I would need to brush my teeth.

My hair is – in a trashbag.

When I was five – I had my last nightmare.

Last Halloween – I was a werewolf.

The last time I smiled – I used fewer muscles than the last time I frowned.

The last time I cried – was when the Teletubbies were cancelled.

When I look down – I’m glad we have a fancy vacuum cleaner.

The happiest recent event – SPD2009

The last thing I fixed was – something or other.

The last thing I broke was – something fragile.

My current annoyance – SORE THROAT.

I have a hard time understanding – Swahili.

The thing I want to buy – costs more than $5.

The last thing I looked for – Lewda’s ring.

The last thing I found – my flashlight.

If you visited the place I’m from – you’d wonder why I’m not out mudding and hollering about Kenny Chesney.

Most recent thing I bought myself – is a pizza.

Most recent thing someone else bought me – an egg and chese biscuit with hash browns.

My favorite place to be is – Target.

My least favorite place to be is – Wal-Mart

My middle name is – Shon

In the morning – the turtle light automatically turns on.

Last night I – fell asleep watching Halloween (2007)

If I were an animal – I would hang out at awesome places like the arboretum.

Tomorrow – I will make a genuine effort not to lose any fingers.

Today I – have actually picked up a small amount of clutter.

Who are your Top 8 friends on Myspace?

(in no specific order)

1. Lewdie-Sioux
2. Rev. Les J. Zmolik III
3. Michellephant
4. joseph
5. hansel
6. sunny
7. Matt
8. Bojaz

(in no specific order)

Now answer the following:

How did you meet number 1?
On the dance floor at the church.

What is number 4’s favorite color?
I have no clue, black or blue

Is number 7’s default profile picture really what he or she looks like?
Absolutely not.

When is the last time you shared a meal with number 8?
A couple of months ago.

How would you describe number 2 to a stranger?
Very carefully.

When is the last time you spoke with number 6?
Friday night.

What is the last thing you did with number 5?
Chit Chatted about number 7 at the Church.

What is number 3’s favorite band?
ummmm Garbage? Sublime? Radiohead?

Do you live in the same city as your Top 8 Friends?
All of them except Michelle.

How many of your Top 8 friends have you been drunk with?
ALL OF THEM!

Who in your Top 8 friends have you known the longest?
The Reverend LZ of TPROVL

Have you slept with any of your Top 8 friends?
Yes

Who in your Top 8 have seen you naked?:
Half of them.

Who do you see the most out of your Top 8?:
Number1.

Who do you get to see the least?:
Michelle

Out of your Top 8, how many do you think will READ this?:
1.5

1) My uncle: pesters children.

2) Never in my life: have I made sweet love in a car, hot tub, or playground.

3) When I was five: I went to daycare.

4) High school was: pretty entertaining all things considered.

5) I will never forget: when I was 4 years old a restaurant in New Mexico put ice in my milk and I thought they were fucking insane.

6) I once met: the actor who plays Weyoun.

7) There’s this guy I know who: can pick a lock in like 5 seconds flat.

8 ) Once, at a bar: a woman put her ankle on my shoulder next to my ear and kissed me because she was being sexy.

9) By noon I’m usually: wide awake.

10) Last night: cleaned up my apartment a bit with a good friend.

11) If I only had: an income of 800 million dollars an hour.

12) Next time I go to church, I’ll: melt and smoke and scream and stink.

13) Terry Schiavo: made up her mind beforehand.

14) What worries me most: that people are angry.

15) When I turn my head left, I see: a very blank wall.

16) When I turn my head right I see: a similar wall with a television in front of it and the door to my bedroom.

17) You know I’m lying when: I say, “You know, what I’m about to tell you is a total bullshit falsehood, but…”

18) You know what I miss most about the eighties: the music.

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: you’re trying to show my ignorance. But I’ll show you yours instead. I’d be myself because that’s exactly where I came from.

20) By this time next year: at least 3 times heavier and in a wheelchair.

21) A better name for me would be: Trapper Keeper (wtf)

22) I have a hard time understanding: swahili and the fact that Tia’s Tex-Mex didn’t close 10 years ago.

23) If/when I go back to school I’ll: know I’m dreaming.

24) You know I like you if: I make teenage girl flirty eyes at you when your blouse rips open.

25) If I won an award: I would hide it and deny it violently.

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: make me hungry.

27) Take my advice, never: invite homeless people to your workplace for sex.

28) My ideal breakfast is: eggs, hash browns, biscuits and gravy, and a brownie sundae.

29) A song I love, but do not have is: Tubular Bells by Book of Love.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you learn to love football and then slit your wrists.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: fluffy, sporks, anemone

32) Why doesn’t everyone: give me a dollar?

33) If you spend the night at my house: your experience will depend on your gender.

34) I’d stop my wedding for: tag team mud wrestling match – bridesmaids vs. groomsmen.

35) The world could do without: hateful ignorance and organized religion… hey!

36) I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a cockroach and then tear my eyelids off.

37) My favorite blonde is: a very very shy girl.

38) PAPER CLIPS are more useful than: the Jenna Jameson vibrating pussy and anus that I luckily didn’t win at the church.

39) If I do anything well, it’s: bake cookies.

40) And by the way: David Letterman is infinitely better than Jay Leno so don’t even fucking front. Don’t turn me back to the old me.